*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.