[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
This fish is cracking me up
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”