Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
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The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material