911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Breaking news:
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I forgot how to panic. Help
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.