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In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
absolute chaos
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Oh the world we live in…
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.