I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
How do dragons blow out candles?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.