Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
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Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
If only
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days