SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?