Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
You Might Also Like
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
mood
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.