Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
When you let grandma cat sit
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”