In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
You Might Also Like
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
This is what makes twitter great
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.