Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
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Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Holy moly
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again