What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir