Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
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I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.