It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
You Might Also Like
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.