The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
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I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Worst Native American name ever.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh