If you love someone, let them sleep.
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic