bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out