8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]