Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?