I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.