As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.