Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Rather alarming headline…
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Every house has this drawer
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months