Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.