WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.