Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
iPhone X
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender