Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
The “baby” on the left….
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My love language is deader than Latin
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Optional boss fight.
Lmao
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”