Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids