The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure