me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
This was a bad idea all around
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt