Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
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A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
pls suprot
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh