[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Legend 🤣🤣
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.