ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
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I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.