Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
The Joker was right
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”