but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
no one ever comes back
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”