What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
You Might Also Like
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
💁🏻♂️
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Kids, do not try this at home!
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.