Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Worth the read.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.