If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
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Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.