Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Bring back the McRib
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back