Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
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Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.