Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
You Might Also Like
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes