Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Otters see a butterfly.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.