Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win