cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
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Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close