Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
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Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*