CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
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My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost