Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I enjoy a good short stor
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
what?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.