Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
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Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.