Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
181.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I’m having an out of money experience.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.