Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
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Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Had to try this trend 😊
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
You sure about that?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.